The 40th Post.

This is my 40th post. I would like to thank blogspot, my family, my friends and my boss for making this possible. Friends, family and boss, thank you for your patience and consideration. I was able to post peacefully because you guys never bothered to check on me. Blogspot, thank you for being the spot in which I could blog. You have given me a wonderful channel to voice out my thoughts and educate the young. In commemoration of my 40th post, I have decided to blog on random stuff, no particular theme or context. To most it might be general ramblings but to some or maybe only me, its not so general ramblings. Ok Enjai!!!

The DBS moment

Withdrawing cash has never been so riveting. The new DBS atm machines have a short movie clip programmed in them. Before you insert the card, a really touching movie clip will play. Just spend a minute or so watching it. The lucky one that attained my viewing pleasure was this mini clip involving two young kids stranded at a bus stop due to a heavy downpour. Their faces are riddled with angst and worry as they are looking around for some familiar companionship. And then like a saviour comes this DBS lady(Banker, customer service agent or whatever else her occupation might be) with a big umbrella and a bright smile that dims the sun's rays. These previously gloomy kids immediately start smiling at her. Whether they know her or not is inconclusive to the author(me) since the clip is inaudible.. but anyway these worried and angst ridden faces are subtly substituted with happy and relieved faces. So the DBS lady sits down with them, all the while beaming, and waits for the mother to come pick those poor little kids up. Note: Its still raining but not so heavily anymore since the DBS lady has arrived to save the day. A not so heavy downpour symbolises the greatness of the DBS lady's soul. The super mom arrives late, probably because of her last minute grocery shopping(totally based on my intuitive skills). She beams at the DBS lady and hugs her kids so tightly, you would think she is going to leave them forever in the care of the DBS lady. Then.. the camera artistically zooms and focuses on the DBS lady... and guess what.. she is still beaming.. So the clip ends there. I stained my cash with tears as the clip kept replaying in my mind. I used to cry only when I saw my depreciating bank balance. But kudos DBS you have moved me greatly with your tender clip. And all this while I thought the main purpose of an ATM machine was for financial transactions.

That tuition kid

Me: Previn, give me a good sentence with the word notorious.

Previn: My father installed nortonvirus in my computer to check and heal viruses.

Me:...............


Me: Form a sentence with the word paupers.

Previn: When you serve the net, you get alot of unexpected poppers.

Me:What??!!

Previn: Ya la.. that annoying advertisements that pop out... They are called poppers right?

Me: Firstly, I meant P A U P E R S, Paupers. Secondly, those things you mentioned are called Pop-ups.

Previn: Chey, poppers sounds more like a real word.

Me:............................................


Me: Man is said to only use 3% of his brain.

Previn: Even Einstein?

Me: Yup. I mean the geniuses probably exhaust the full 3%.. Others fall short off the mark.

Previn: Others like me?

Me: You only use 0.02% of your brain.

Previn: Hey that's not too bad for a 13 year old... When compared to Einstein I thought I would be running in negatives.

That mom

So the mom decides to get me a blouse to wear to work. I come home exhausted and I see this blouse beautifully displayed on my bed. It has a white collar and white cuff links. The predominant colours of the blouse are light pink, beige, yellow and blue. Its a paddle pop gone wrong. So the mom insists that I have to wear it to work, not knowing that I have a sadistic misanthrope of a Boss who is just waiting to jump on me anytime. Wearing the blouse to work is all the more detrimental to whatever is left of my dignity. So the mom gets annoyed at me for not appreciating her weird taste. So the daughter, me, wears the blouse to work. So the boss decides that the word of the day would be hideous. So me, the employee, counts the number of times the word hideous was used by the Boss: A total of 8 times, with 6 hideous-es targeted at me. So the day was a bit more miserable than the others.

That lady at Guardian

I wanted to buy wax for my hair. So there I am browsing through the many varieties when I am approached by an eager salesgirl.

Salesgirl: Looking for wax?
What I wanted to say: No I am at the wax section looking for sanitary napkins.
What I ended up saying: Ah yes yes.

Salesgirl: For playful hair like yours I recommend this..
Me: PLAYFUL hair?
Salesgirl: Ya playful hair.. This one can do strong styling.. the shine is pretty good also(shows me a purple container)
What I wanted to say: What the hell is Playful hair? I mean ya you can play around with your hair? But on its own what is so playful about hair??? What kinda adjective is that to describe hair???
What I ended up saying: What do you mean by playful hair?
Salesgirl: Playful la.. like naughty.. turbulent.. not obeying.. but use this wax can make it obey and look good.
What I wanted to say: I am sorry, are you talking about my hair or your kid?
What I ended up saying: You mean there is actually naughty hair?
Salesgirl: Ya ya.. Just our way of describing hair la. Some people got gentle hair, calm and peaceful.. then some got playful hair. Got many many types.
What I wanted to say: Is there a type for the bald? Like extinct hair... or die already hair?
What I ended up saying: Its ok. I like my hair naughty and playful.
Salesgirl: But if you use this wax right, you can do more styles. Got strong hold. You can create the out of bed look. Wanna try?
What I wanted to say: What I am giving you now is my 'I can't wait to get out of here look'. Leave my playful hair alone. Its young, cheeky and impressionable.
What I ended up saying: No its ok. Thank you for everything. Especially for telling me what kinda hair I have.

Hairs have human personifications, hence we describe their moods to be playful, naughty, peaceful and gentle. So now humans should assume hair guises then we can describe people to be smooth, silky, wavy and oily. Its a mutual exchange of roles. A match made in Hairven.


Thank you for celebrating my 40th post with me.. And to all avid readers of this blog.. I still have not found my blue ball... just in case you were wondering. Sigh...

The Ball is in my court.

Its time for my dirty little secret to be revealed. I like balls. Not the anatomical ones your minds immediately think of.. But more like the sports/recreation balls. The volleyballs, basketballs, netballs, tennis balls, ping pong balls.. well you get the idea. I like to occupy my hands with spherical objects, last I heard thats not a disorder. So I have a basketball(not mine), a soccer ball(not mine) and a netball(not mine) at home.. And yes also the 20 cent small rubber balls(all mine) which cause so much of pain to the targets when thrown accurately and forcefully. Not just so much of pain but also so much of annoyance to those living with you, around you, under you and above you (HDB context). Constant bouncing of rubber balls on a non-carpeted tiled floor is equal to the sound of constant drumming of your fingers on a wooden table multiplied by 30. Mundane sound drumming amplification is a mature way to get back at your parents when they don't let you watch late night TV and an alternative way to get back at the neighbour who sings out of tune in his shower. So what happens if the adults tell you to stop? Well... I usually do IT behind close, locked doors.. my parents cannot physically come in, confiscate the ball and stop me and.. what do you know.. neither can the neighbour... But lets say you are an unlucky idiot who ends up being confronted by the irritated parent or the irate neighbour.. Then.. you play your Act smart card. You give an explanation on how absurd it is that you are being accused of mundane sound drumming amplification when you have nothing in your possession that can cause that... If this fails and they somehow catch you with the 20 cent rubber ball in your hand.. then.. you play the Age card.. You say something like this, "A rubber ball?? I just found it lying around.. I am 24.. those balls are only for kids! I have other BETTER balls to play with... 20cent rubber balls tsk tsk, please give me a break." It works most of the time. The adults usually get distracted at the "I have other BETTER balls to play with..." part. And so you can happily resume your good old ball games with the floors and the walls.

My liking for balls has been clearly established. What can I say? The ball fetish helps me think better, clears the mind and eases the tension. I need to throw balls at non-living entities to solve daily mathematical conundrums... like how much I owe the receptionist who buys me coffee every other morning. So the balls keep me going, brightening my day. I had three balls at the office- A tennis ball, a blue plastic ball and a ping pong ball and a few other COOL stuff that ONLY I can play with. Anyway, in the beginning of time, I had four balls. My boss banned the rubber ball because the sound it generated pissed her.. BUT I think she banned it coz she wasn't able to catch it on its retreat. There are now 2 reasons why I am better than my boss, first one being the "I got honours and she doesn't" reason and the second one being the "I am better at catch and she will never be able to catch a 20 cent rubber ball" reason. Ah!!! (Proud moment for employee)

Anyway, from four balls to three balls, I have gone down to two. To my horror, or should I say to my GRAVE HORROR, I realised my favourite plastic blue ball had gone missing. Its a morning ritual of mine, to go to the office and talk to the balls. But I couldn't have a heartfelt conversation that day coz one of the balls was OBVIOUSLY missing!POOF! GONE! Just like that! Who would do such a thing? Steal my favourite ball? And NO... I could not find it anywhere!!! No one was seen playing with it or having lunch with it. Why my blue plastic ball? Who would steal a 4 dollar blue plastic ball? Who would commit an act of such monstrosity? My Usual suspects are the following:

(a) BOSS
(b) BOSS
(c) BOSS
(d) Receptionist : Holds my ball hostage to demand ransom for the coffee money I owe her
(e) A, B, C

Cluedo style: I think its my boss, in the office, with her two bare hands.

Let me substantiate the otherwise biased conclusion. I know its her coz no one else would stoop this low to pull a prank on me, I know its her coz no one else would bother so much to stoop this low to pull a prank on me, I know its her coz no one else bothers. I know its her coz she was the last person to see me and the ball in harmonic synchronisation. I know its her coz she told me its time I stop playing ball in the office. I know its her coz I gave her a hard time with the psych evaluation. I know its her coz she just loves to get me riled. I know its her coz its a crime of passion and she is passionately criminal.

My best bet is on the BOSS. Its me, the blue ball and the boss. And I vow to emerge triumphant even if it means losing the job. No one messes with my balls.

Honesty, always the best policy?

Honesty the best policy, in a nutshell...

An integral virtue of extreme importance to one's character.

Be truthful, frank and open.

Can achieve world peace because:

(a) Individuals will confess to crimes and each citizen becomes trustworthy.
(b) World leaders can have frank and open discussions, reduce tension and suspicion towards one another, thereby diminishing the drama that goes on the international stage.
(c)No more Korean parliamentary members throwing chairs at one another, no more BUSH publicly berating his 'axis of evil' and no more Guantanamo Bay.

Student will not cheat in examinations and will readily admit to not doing their homework.

Parents gloat in the excellent upbringing up of their kids.

Many bastard and abandoned kids will 'get' parents who eventually will fess up.

Form closer relationships with people around you due to better understanding of the other. You can become a social butterfly overnight.

Unfortunately, all these can only happen in a perfect world and till then, fallible human beings will always have to grapple with telling the truth.

Honesty the best policy for only nutcases...

Everybody lies. No one is honest.

Try telling your girlfriend/boyfriend or your BOSS that he/she should go on a diet.

Try telling dark people they are dark.

Try telling obese people they are fat.

Try telling politicians they are liars.

Try telling a patient, "The symptoms of brain tumors depend mainly on their size and their location in the brain. Symptoms are caused by damage to vital tissue and by pressure on the brain as the tumor grows within the limited space in the skull. They also may be caused by swelling and a buildup of fluid around the tumor, a condition called edema. Symptoms also may be due to hydrocephalus, which occurs when the tumor blocks the flow of cerebrospinal fluid and causes it to build up in the ventricles. If a brain tumor grows very slowly, its symptoms may appear so gradually that they are overlooked for a long time. The most frequent symptoms of brain tumors include headaches that tend to be worse in the morning and ease during the day,
Seizures (convulsions), Nausea or vomiting, weakness or loss of feeling in the arms or legs, Stumbling or lack of coordination in walking (ataxic gait), abnormal eye movements or changes in vision, drowsiness, Changes in personality or memory, and changes in speech. Death might be an eventuality."

The German left wing supporters made derisive comments about Hitler. They couldn't lie and say niceties. They were overheard by Hitler's secret police force and suddenly disappeared in the middle of one of the boring nights. David Copperfield's vanishing act was amatuerish in comparison.

Honesty is no where close to being the best policy when it comes to national security. Foreign policy and defense policy wrapped in secrecy are preferred.

Sometimes its better to keep vital statistics from being known, such as the famous incident in Tiananmen Square, where the Chinese censored reports in the media to prevent further social arrest and unfavourable reporting. On a military note, valuable information about a country's military capability should be held back too. Honest revelation is synonymous to aiding an opponent/enemy to execute his final chess move to kill your king . I rather we be termed "Liars" than 'Idiots".

Sometimes its better to have secret research laboratories to develop mechanical or biological weapons in the event the country is required to defend itself. I rather we be termed "Secretly Pre-emptive" than "Idiots".

So honesty doesn't cut it. We live in too complex a world and sadly a highly devious one too. It unables us to be honest in all situations. I have become a pathological liar because of this Cruel Cruel world. All these lies, conspiracy, intrigue and manipulation have made life more thrillingly tricky. And I for one simply love it. May we never attain a boring world where total honesty is ever possible.

I wish this in total honesty...

Soulmate.

Ever since Homer began composing his monumental "Iliad" and Greek sculptors started drawing on their deep sense of symmetry and the beauty of Nature with which to infuse their works, the history of Mankind has never really experienced a dearth of writers and artists. So bloggers understand the root of your birth. Anyway, this has got nothing to do with today's post. But then again a teeny bit of it might... see today I am inspired to speak about my soulmate after watching the other more famous Homer (Simpson) searching every nook and cranny for his special loved one. So the only minor relation I can derive is this "Homer" name connection. D'OH....

I searched high and low, above and beyond, within and without and 'every other unnecessarily descriptive preposition you can think of' for my soulmate. It was a long, heartbreaking journey. I had to reject many suitors, refuse my numerous stalkers, turn away my old flames before I could find the one and only who could grant me eternal happiness(if such a thing does exist). Let me start with the ones I sieved out to be potential soulmates... And how Life played a cruel game of Fate with me and these potential-ers(for the lack of a better word).

You forgot me when you did Ghajini.

As a token of your love, you left your music behind for me. Our love has been immortalised. But still.. I don't do dead people.

I couldn't master Japanese and you REFUSED to learn English. I am sorry but we had to end it. Wait.. you know we ended it right? Coz your translator wasn't there that day!

You don't exist in the real world. If only you did, it would be a different matter altogether.

You are too happily married. I am no home wrecker. But can you please ask you son to grow up quickly.

Poonaam!! What are you doing in this post? My god... Go somewhere else and sleep la.

SORRY FOR THE TECHINCAL GLITCH. BACK TO MY SOULMATE SEARCH.

Too young honey.

You are too beautiful. You make me feel inferior. And when you do decide to leave me, you will have a great headstart, I don't think I can ever catch up. That makes me really insecure.

You are perfect but I simply can't live with a Man who has named his son Oscar. I don't know why but the name just reminds me of dustbins.

We couldn't fight the laws of attraction. Neither could we fight the laws of our respective countries. Somethings are just not meant to be.

So you see.. you decide one thing and fate decides another. After all these heartaches, I was on the verge of giving up. I mean how much can a girl take? My fragile yet determined heart told me to not lose hope. It told me to continue searching for the special one. And so after many years of experimenting, I eventually found the one.

So here you go....

Ahhh.. Corona my dear Corona!! You have stood by me through all my ups and downs. You never interuppt me unless I ask you to. You let me do all the talking while you do all the listening. You comfort me better than hugs and chocolates. You understand my needs and satisfy them accordingly. You love my friends as much as they love you. You magnanimously shoulder my blame in the aftermath of my drunken stupor. And you always leave me wanting more....

Now tell me what else do I need in a soulmate???

Corona...so divine is your name and nature that I want to honour you by naming my friend's child after you. Please allow me do this small thing for you. After all, love is about caring, treasuring and honouring.

Karma.

"What goes around, comes around. What goes up, must come down"

"What goes around, goes around, goes around, comes all the way back around What goes around, goes around, goes around, comes all the way back around" (squeals in a high pitched voice)

No. I am not talking about Newton, Alicia Keys or Cry me a River.
No. I am not implying anything sexual.
No. I am not referring to the frisbee or the graduation hat that we all love to throw in the air.

I am talking about karma baby. Karma: The law of retribution. An immutable non-discriminatory decree that screws EVERYBODY. With such fortitude it strikes, sometimes compelling you to recollect your past sins. Its like having a mysterious, husky voice whispering closely into your ears, "I know what you did last sunday, the previous sunday and the saturday the month before?" Well people if you can hear that voice, then be warned.. karma is on the move to execute its flawless plan. You can run people but you can never hide... Oooh.. scary...

Karma attack 1

I purposely sent the BOSS viagara ads through email and blamed it on spam.

She sends me porn links via email with a subject title: Urgent Assignment. View links. And does not blame it on spam.

Karma attack 2

I open the porn links infront of my 19 year old cousin who goes,"Akka!!!!!!!(elder sister in tamil) So gross!!! Why you watch all these?" Humiliation ensues. Reputation of being a good elder sister goes out of the continent.


Karma attack 3

I laughed so hard at a friend for losing his handphone. It was the second one he had lost in a month.

3 hours later, my handphone falls and smashes into pieces. All because a really high Me played a really dumb game called "Catch the handphone if you can." I flung the handphone really high into the dark night, highly attempting to catch it only to highly realise it fell highly behind me. I became the poster child for laughing stocks for a week.

Karma attack 4

I give a serious 30 minute speech to my friend about the importance of watching good movies. And how movies like White Chicks are crappy and not informative.. that the precious leisure time we have should be spent on something more mind boggling. So I continue about how disappointed I am that she rented movies like Dodgeball and White Chicks and that I am certainly not coming over to watch those movies with her. She gets annoyed with me and says, "friendship is beyond the content of movies... If you don't want to keep me company its fine.. don't have to talk so much." Sigh... I am always misunderstood. I mean seriously.. who wants to spend 3 hours watching brainless stuff?? Not me for sure... I am meant for better things.

A few days later.. I am sitting torturedly infront of the television with my 9 year old cousin watching the Disney cartoon 'Anastasia' and 'Barney's Great Adventure' movie in repeat. Coz thats all he does to occupy himself when his parents are not at home.

Karma attack 5

I steal biscuits from the BOSS and leave it on a colleague's table to make it seem like SHE took it from the BOSS. The BOSS never shares those biscuits with anyone. She is a little anal when it comes to food.

To my dismay, I later discover that the colleague is on 2 days MC. The BOSS then assigns me to find out the culprit who stole the biscuits and left them on that table.

Karma attack 6

I join my air stewardess friend A and her other pretty air stewardess friends (all the other alphabets) for dinner one day. I am dressed in a polo t-shirt and camo bermudas. My hair is short and spiked with the help of Gatsby. We then assume casual conversation and start making fun of A and a few others. 2 hours or so later, I noticed that whenever I spoke, one of A's friends, B, gave me covetous looks. Being the really naive person I am, I did not think too much of it. As we were all leaving, B offers to drop me back home. Being the really lazy and kiasu person I am, I JUMP at the gracious offer. So I excitedly get into the car and the 2 of us end up having a pretty good conversation. She then suggests we go for a drink even though we were drinking for the last hour or so. Being the really eager person I am, I consent to a drink with a relative stranger. I mean what can possibly go wrong, right? After another bout of drinks and enlightening talks, she drops me back home. As I thanked her and exited the car, she asks, "Are you free on Thursday for dinner? Maybe we can meet up?" And before I could say, "Yeah sure. Let me ask A also, " She calmly says, "A will be flying to Jakarta on Thursday. So I guess its just the 2 of us, Is 7.30pm fine with you?" Being the really innocent and friendly person I am, I nod my head in agreement. So wonderful Thursday comes and goes. She drops me back again but this time around I get a goodnight kiss on the cheek from her. Being the really liberal person I am, I assume she is not a conservative. To her a peck is probably a way of thanking a person for their company. I am so proud of the way I can psycho analyse a person so accurately... (pat myself on the shoulder)

3 days later I get a call from A.

A: "So how was your date with B?"

Me: "Date your head la.. Wahahaha. But it was fun. She is really nice and funny (which she really is) . We are meeting again next week. You free to meet? Come la..."

A:"No la.. Come for what? Two's company, three's a crowd.. and its her date with you what.. Don't want to be lampost..."

Me: "Talk crap only la you... crazy is it?" (laughingly)

A: "I not crazy.. maybe she is.. About you... " (laughs loud and hard)

Me: (waiting for the long laughter to end) Ya right.. What talking you???!! (not so laughingly anymore)

A: She like you mah...She ask me if you interested in girls.. Then I say Yes!!!! (laughs louder and harder)

Me: What???!!!( not laughing at all coz its not funny at all) YOU CRAZY IS IT???!! Why you tell her something like that?!

A: Well.. I am not crazy la.. Just vengeful. I was thinking about the past la.. all those times in school la.. so you see.. this is for the time you dropped that liquid on me and convinced me it was bird shit... this for the time you finished MY chocolates and disposed the wrappers in MY bag... this for the time you collected all the eraser shavings and dumped them into my pencil case... this is for the time you hid my hairclips and rubber bands leaving me to sit in class like Sadako... Should I go on??

Me: Oei!!! That was 6 years ago!!! And it was for fun la!!! I always helped you clear up the rubbish in the end and I also apologised for the pranks what.. they were harmless la! ...You laughed along with me and said no problem what... I didn't know it affected you so much that you had to take revenge on me 6 YEARS LATER!!!

A: Who says it affected me?? It did not la. Remember what I told you long ago, "One day you will definetly get it from me?!" Well my one day came and I seized it. Like what you always say, It was just good fun. Now isn't this good fun? Its just a prank la... Anyway I will tell B about it... Don't worry...

Me: What you going to tell her?? That you wanted to play a prank on me?? and that I am actually not into girls?! And that you made a fool out of her???

A: NO La... Siow.. I will just tell her you attached to some other girl!!

Me: (too explicit to publicly display the words)

These are the FEW karma attacks I have experienced recently. To detail out each and every single attack would be a blow to what's left of my ego. The age old exhortation to "forgive and forget", or to pardon someone for the wrong he/she has done is definitely good advice. It might even be wiser and healthier to forgive and forget.

BUT TELL THAT TO KARMA!!!! Coz in Karma's case there seems to be no forgiving or forgetting. Karma believes this to be an extremely difficult advice to follow. Karma thinks not forgiving or forgetting is the best way to make Man behave. Karma thinks revenge is not futile and that memorable literary characters like Romeo and Hamlet lacked the necessary brains to exact the 'PERFECT REVENGE'. So if you think no one is watching you just coz you don't switch on the lights in your room.. YOU ARE WRONG.. Somebody's always watching.. and waiting.

In my twilight years I wish to sit back and ponder over my sins, analyze the life choices I have made and maybe even wish for my enemies to die a violent death. But in the meantime, I will just pray that karma doesn't make koorma(indian curry) out of me.