Weddings...
You either do one or you blog all about it.
So keepin up with the current trend, I've decided to dedicate this "Wedding" post to all those of you who have emptied my pockets in the recent times and to those of you who will be emptying it next year.
To nullify my boredom, I've resorted to reading The Straits Times during the temple weddings. I can finish the main section, home, life and even the classifieds by the time the ceremony ends. My mother thinks its an absolute disgrace that I read the papers at a wedding. She thinks that there is so00 much for me to see and learn.
See, my mother likes to go EARLY for weddings so that she can get a seat. She tells me that age is creeping up and she cannot stand for long.
But I know the real reason. She likes to get a seat close to the stage so that she can observe what the other aunties and young girls are wearing. Every other minute she turns to me and says, "Oh her chain so pretty", "Her saree blouse so nice" etc etc. AND then reality hits her and the criticism starts on how I don't dress well enough... on how aunties came and asked her why I am not wearing a gold chain or earrings... on why my punjabi suit is so plain... on why my hair looks uncombed... you get the drift.
Point 1 : Weddings cause trouble in happy families. Even to those people who come just to give moi (hangbao) kaasu (money).
Soon after the wedding ceremony over, we tend to mingle around before lining up to have our lunch/dinner. In this "mingle time", my parents will introduce me to uncles, aunties and grandmas who have met me only once before when I was running around diapers.
And the first thing these people tell my dad, "Raj, you never feed your daughter is it? So thin la she." This is followed by a doctor's advice to me on how I should eat well. I stand there smiling because that is all I can do. Any verbal retort on my metabolic rate would lead to the next Cold War.
Point 2: Weddings are filled with people who think they know you better than you know yourself.
On certain mornings/evenings, I have more than one wedding to attend to. Three was the maximum I've had on a Sunday morning. Whenever you turn up late for one of the weddings because you were rushing from the other, the first thing your friends ask is, " You just came?Woke up late huh mike?" Repeating the true reason to each and every one is tiring so I just nod my head in agreement at times. Think what you want. I don't really care.
And then when you are assigned to be the "moi girl" (collect hangbao girl) at a wedding... almost EVRYONE you know (with the exeception of the groom and bride) comes and tells you not to RUN AWAY with the money. Is it my deceptive and cunning face that renders me that immoral? Or is it my athletic ability to escape from towering guys and sumo-like uncles surrounding the wedding dais? I am not sure what it is but I was a potential threat to many at that time.
Point 3 : Weddings provide people with an opportunity to misunderstand you :(
I am temporarily free of wedding/engagement commitments...but like they say its the calm before a storm... Sigh...
Point 4 : Weddings cause unwanted stress. Why am I So Popular????!!! AH!!!!!!!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
22.08.10
The date nears.
My fear grows.
What if she changes her mind at the very last minute?
What if she cannot suppress her true emotions any more?
What if she wants a dramatic climax like Vinnai Thandi Varuvaaya?
What do I do????
I need to muster the courage and spit out the truth, "No Poonaam, you CANNOT marry me. Leave me alone."
My fear grows.
What if she changes her mind at the very last minute?
What if she cannot suppress her true emotions any more?
What if she wants a dramatic climax like Vinnai Thandi Varuvaaya?
What do I do????
I need to muster the courage and spit out the truth, "No Poonaam, you CANNOT marry me. Leave me alone."
Sunday, May 30, 2010
A few days ago....
Me: This one?
Mum: No.
Me: How about this one?
Mum: Don't want.
Me: This??
Mum : Cannot.
Me: Then what can I buy? You have rejected everything I pointed out.
Mum: You are not buying anything! You have enough toys.
Me: But amma...
Mum: I'm leaving.
Almost every kid goes home with a toy after visiting Toys R Us. Except for me. Its a miserable existence.
____________________________________________________________________
Me: You giving out those for free?
Pizza Hut Lady : Yes madam for all the children. (She stands holding a blue balloon sword.) Er.. would madam like one?
Me: (My eyes lit up) Well...
Athai (Aunt): (murmurs to me) Don't ask for one and embarrass me.
Me: (looks at Pizza Hut Lady sadly) No, its ok. I will pass.
I've learnt a valuable lesson from these two incidents.
Never go out with women related to you who are over 45. This is my Vesak Day resolution.
They suppress your inner child and remind you of your pathetic adult existence.
Me: This one?
Mum: No.
Me: How about this one?
Mum: Don't want.
Me: This??
Mum : Cannot.
Me: Then what can I buy? You have rejected everything I pointed out.
Mum: You are not buying anything! You have enough toys.
Me: But amma...
Mum: I'm leaving.
Almost every kid goes home with a toy after visiting Toys R Us. Except for me. Its a miserable existence.
____________________________________________________________________
Me: You giving out those for free?
Pizza Hut Lady : Yes madam for all the children. (She stands holding a blue balloon sword.) Er.. would madam like one?
Me: (My eyes lit up) Well...
Athai (Aunt): (murmurs to me) Don't ask for one and embarrass me.
Me: (looks at Pizza Hut Lady sadly) No, its ok. I will pass.
I've learnt a valuable lesson from these two incidents.
Never go out with women related to you who are over 45. This is my Vesak Day resolution.
They suppress your inner child and remind you of your pathetic adult existence.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Tamilan and exercise
As the weather was not on a hell ride today, I decided to go for a short run around the neighbourhood.
My mother was making puri for dinner.
On a normal day, I eat four.
Today I ate SIX.
The more calories I burn, the more my metabolism wants to put in.
The only person who benefitted from today's sequence of events is THE MOTHER.
"Good, all my puri flour is finished. Run more," she said.
Great. I run to finish puri flour. I thought the purpose was something to do with fitness.
My mother was making puri for dinner.
On a normal day, I eat four.
Today I ate SIX.
The more calories I burn, the more my metabolism wants to put in.
The only person who benefitted from today's sequence of events is THE MOTHER.
"Good, all my puri flour is finished. Run more," she said.
Great. I run to finish puri flour. I thought the purpose was something to do with fitness.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
tan chronicles
This entry is linked to the previous post.
See, I was asked to share my "Miss Tan" experiences on this blog, by a friend, who threatened to "boycott" my blog if I didn't adhere to her wish.
Oooh.. she is gonna boycott my blog.... How tragic.
I am going to lose ONE reader when I don't even know how many people read my blog. ..That must be utterly terrifying for any budding writer who cannot make it in the real world, therefore, writes in secrecy on a platform which starts with unpronouncable words, i.e., http...
The point I am trying to make here is - Use a better threat.
And so another friend did... She threatened to post an unglamourous picture of me on Facebook. I like Facebook for a few reasons and hate it for many. No prizes for guessing, my current state of emotion.
I was cornered. I was helpless. So here I am, abused, vexed and humbled, standing at the vantage point of my Sec 3 life, 12 years ago.
Year 1997
Venue : My Secondary School in the East
Level : Sec 3
Age :14+
Protagonist : Me
Antagonist : My Sec 3 form tutor Ms Tan
Ms Tan was my 33 yr old form tutor who taught us English. She was a young pretty thing, who had a great fashion sense. She was strict, intolerant, temperamental, frank and of course, really intelligent.
My class was a mix match of Monkeys and Sloths. We voted a "Beng", who called himself "salted egg" and who had a large pointed comb stuck perpetually in his butt pocket as our class discipline master. His idea of disciplining the class was , "Hey CB-ies lower your volume can? The teacher next door complain."
We liked him so much, he wanted to run for a second term.
But Salted Egg's term came to a premature end when Ms Tan took over. She told the Beng to "shut it" and confiscated his comb saying it was a dangerous weapon.
I didn't have any problmes with Miss Tan until she started confiscating my Picasso-like drawings. I used to doodle in her class, when she is teaching, because it was kinda boring listening to her speak monotonously on sentence structure, verbs, nouns etc.
One day, I drew a stick figure, which represented Ms Tan, kicking the butt of a Tasmanian Devil, and captioned it, "She gives the devil a run for its money."
Obviously, she caught me with it, and summoned me to her office saying, "Thats it".
So I went to see her, and she said, "Aren't you supposed to be having Chemistry now?"
Me: Yes.
Ms Tan : So what are you doing here??
Me: You told me to come and see you.
Ms Tan : (she slaps her palm on her forehead) Not Now! Later, as in when you end school!
Me: I cannot come after school. I have plans. The class is going to watch George of the Jungle.
Ms Tan: !!!! You want me to cater to your plans? I don't care, you are seeing me after school. Now go back to class.
Me: No. I'm not cancelling any after school plans. I told them I would go, so I will. Just like how you told me to come and I am here.
Ms Tan : What would your chem teacher think?! I hijacked her student? Go back Now.
Me: She won't think any thing. I told her I got to see you and that it is urgent. And she said go ahead. I think she is scared of you.
Ms Tan: (surprised) Why would she be?! I don't even speak to her.
Me: You look fierce. Anyway, if u want me to go back to class now, can you return me all my drawings?
Ms Tan: No. You don't tell me what to do.
Me: Are those drawings really that gd that you want to keep them with you and view it whenever you can?
And that was the last thing I said to her. The next thing I know, I am waiting outside the VP room. I was alleged to have disobeyed and mocked the teacher, who actually summoned me to see her. I showed no remorse and was sentenced to a week of canteen duties.
I will end here because the post is long and I think my friends who asked for this blog entry deserve nothing more.
See, I was asked to share my "Miss Tan" experiences on this blog, by a friend, who threatened to "boycott" my blog if I didn't adhere to her wish.
Oooh.. she is gonna boycott my blog.... How tragic.
I am going to lose ONE reader when I don't even know how many people read my blog. ..That must be utterly terrifying for any budding writer who cannot make it in the real world, therefore, writes in secrecy on a platform which starts with unpronouncable words, i.e., http...
The point I am trying to make here is - Use a better threat.
And so another friend did... She threatened to post an unglamourous picture of me on Facebook. I like Facebook for a few reasons and hate it for many. No prizes for guessing, my current state of emotion.
I was cornered. I was helpless. So here I am, abused, vexed and humbled, standing at the vantage point of my Sec 3 life, 12 years ago.
Year 1997
Venue : My Secondary School in the East
Level : Sec 3
Age :14+
Protagonist : Me
Antagonist : My Sec 3 form tutor Ms Tan
Ms Tan was my 33 yr old form tutor who taught us English. She was a young pretty thing, who had a great fashion sense. She was strict, intolerant, temperamental, frank and of course, really intelligent.
My class was a mix match of Monkeys and Sloths. We voted a "Beng", who called himself "salted egg" and who had a large pointed comb stuck perpetually in his butt pocket as our class discipline master. His idea of disciplining the class was , "Hey CB-ies lower your volume can? The teacher next door complain."
We liked him so much, he wanted to run for a second term.
But Salted Egg's term came to a premature end when Ms Tan took over. She told the Beng to "shut it" and confiscated his comb saying it was a dangerous weapon.
I didn't have any problmes with Miss Tan until she started confiscating my Picasso-like drawings. I used to doodle in her class, when she is teaching, because it was kinda boring listening to her speak monotonously on sentence structure, verbs, nouns etc.
One day, I drew a stick figure, which represented Ms Tan, kicking the butt of a Tasmanian Devil, and captioned it, "She gives the devil a run for its money."
Obviously, she caught me with it, and summoned me to her office saying, "Thats it".
So I went to see her, and she said, "Aren't you supposed to be having Chemistry now?"
Me: Yes.
Ms Tan : So what are you doing here??
Me: You told me to come and see you.
Ms Tan : (she slaps her palm on her forehead) Not Now! Later, as in when you end school!
Me: I cannot come after school. I have plans. The class is going to watch George of the Jungle.
Ms Tan: !!!! You want me to cater to your plans? I don't care, you are seeing me after school. Now go back to class.
Me: No. I'm not cancelling any after school plans. I told them I would go, so I will. Just like how you told me to come and I am here.
Ms Tan : What would your chem teacher think?! I hijacked her student? Go back Now.
Me: She won't think any thing. I told her I got to see you and that it is urgent. And she said go ahead. I think she is scared of you.
Ms Tan: (surprised) Why would she be?! I don't even speak to her.
Me: You look fierce. Anyway, if u want me to go back to class now, can you return me all my drawings?
Ms Tan: No. You don't tell me what to do.
Me: Are those drawings really that gd that you want to keep them with you and view it whenever you can?
And that was the last thing I said to her. The next thing I know, I am waiting outside the VP room. I was alleged to have disobeyed and mocked the teacher, who actually summoned me to see her. I showed no remorse and was sentenced to a week of canteen duties.
I will end here because the post is long and I think my friends who asked for this blog entry deserve nothing more.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Mess with your head
Old Friend : Hey, I met Miss Tan the other day.
Me: Which Miss Tan?
Old Friend : Sec 3 tutor, May Tan la.
Me: Serious?! How is she?
Old Friend : She looks young la.. after 12 years... mmm...seems like age never catch up with her.
Me: She still short? And she recognised you?
Old Friend: (Laughs) Yeah she still kinda short. She didn't recognise me initially. She gave me her infamous cold stare.
Me: Oh then, then? You went up to talk to her?
Old Friend : Yeah she vaguely remembers our names. She called you that "indian child"...
Me: Wah say, she remembers me! (smirks)
Old Friend : Er... yes.. she said something like, 'There are some students who leave footprints in your heart and then there are others who just mess with your head'.
Me: I think I left foot prints.
Old Friend : She thinks you messed with her head.
Me: Oh, guess she is wrong.
Old Friend : Now, now, don't mess with my head.
Me: Which Miss Tan?
Old Friend : Sec 3 tutor, May Tan la.
Me: Serious?! How is she?
Old Friend : She looks young la.. after 12 years... mmm...seems like age never catch up with her.
Me: She still short? And she recognised you?
Old Friend: (Laughs) Yeah she still kinda short. She didn't recognise me initially. She gave me her infamous cold stare.
Me: Oh then, then? You went up to talk to her?
Old Friend : Yeah she vaguely remembers our names. She called you that "indian child"...
Me: Wah say, she remembers me! (smirks)
Old Friend : Er... yes.. she said something like, 'There are some students who leave footprints in your heart and then there are others who just mess with your head'.
Me: I think I left foot prints.
Old Friend : She thinks you messed with her head.
Me: Oh, guess she is wrong.
Old Friend : Now, now, don't mess with my head.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Funerals
Funerals are...
A gateway to pain
Where the threshold knows no limit
A set of rituals
You don’t want to get the hang of
A part of your memory
You rather not keep
An enemy of speech
Because there is so much you want to say but you can’t
A bitter after taste in your mouth
It lingers, provokes and ridicules your senses
A vacuum
It sucks every bit of you
An end to our beginning
This is it. There is No more.
A last step for all those losers
Who fought and did not win against death
A first step for all those
Who have to live without the losers
A final goodbye
The hardest you will ever have to say
The one you wished you never had to say
A gateway to pain
Where the threshold knows no limit
A set of rituals
You don’t want to get the hang of
A part of your memory
You rather not keep
An enemy of speech
Because there is so much you want to say but you can’t
A bitter after taste in your mouth
It lingers, provokes and ridicules your senses
A vacuum
It sucks every bit of you
An end to our beginning
This is it. There is No more.
A last step for all those losers
Who fought and did not win against death
A first step for all those
Who have to live without the losers
A final goodbye
The hardest you will ever have to say
The one you wished you never had to say
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